Those terrifying exams

I have all the symptoms.  Sweaty palms, bad mood and a far away terrified countenance of total anxiety.  My face seems permanently distorted into a frown. My ever shaky fingers scattering over my keyboard, eyes anxiously searching for clues about the exam as if the lecturers would post them online for us too read.

And its not just me.  My young Matthew is seemly getting more and more lethargic as the exam days approach.  His insolence unjustified in the light of my nervousness.  Only Nicholas seems uncaring and unperturbed as he sits on my lap eating whatever is in sight.  Chomping away as if he has never eaten.   Of course the irony of it all is that Nicholas, my little sausage, achieved the highest marks which will very definitely be repeated.

In just over two weeks this too will pass.  I look forward to leaving this desert of summer rainfall.  Every day the rain comes, as if mocking the dry infertile sand.  The rain forms huge swollen rivers that form the breeding grounds of those irritating buzzers that bite one in the night.  Masses of water everywhere.  Whoever said that wadis were dry river beds?  Abundance is not in the sunshine this summer, but in the thick heavy dark grey clouds that expel their energy in short quick busts of light and  low afternoon rumbles.

Yes, I even find the weather irritating.  However, the cradle of humankind beckons us. Excitement creeping up on us, fully testing our ability to concentrate on the matter at hand. This brings to mind this mindless paragraph, procrastination to its fullest extent, by virtue of a wonky, slightly skewed suggestion that perhaps it is time to call today final. After all, my brains feel like fried bananas.  Frazzled from the most boring book on Gods good earth. Too much thinking makes it go soft. I bid you all a good night sleep.  I will kiss my boys with all your love.

I stand before my God

I stand before my God

I stand before my God

In my silent abandonment  

I have crucified myself

Filled only with Gods grace

He forgives me

He says all is new

That I am a blank slate

Since His resurrection

But here I stand

Unforgiving

Imperfectly scarred

Alone

But my God sees only my perfection

He sees only my strong spirit

And then He anoints me

To be me

Will this ever go away?

Recently someone totally unexpected from my past popped up in my life.  A previous friendship from a previous lifetime. With her came all the gory details of a very unhappy time in my life.  Not only was this person judgmental, but also very hurtful to me, my husband and my poor bewildered children. This friendship was being totally oblivious and insensitive to my life here and now, never thinking how it would affect what I have worked so hard to achieve. It happened in an instant, a slip of a tongue, a sight, a smell, but this time it was the smell of the rain.

 People often judge one by ones past actions. Unfortunately she was in my shoes at the time, however subtly choosing the side of my abuser. This person has no appreciation or comprehension of my ability to cope under the circumstances. She has judged me the hardest, leaving me no compromise, because somehow I had failed. I was told back then that it was my fault, that simply by being me I had transgressed.  I questioned myself, believing I had to be different somehow.  In hindsight I was different, I was stronger than them. I was able to cope when they weren't. Only cowards abuse other people after all.   


Wounds like these have an ugly way of showing up, of leaving one open exposed and bleeding, of dividing one.  Of silencing you just when your confidence returns, because you can once again hear your voice. Am I destined never to speak? Never to have a voice?  It is ironic that I work for an organization called Voice now, when most of my life I felt unable to speak or express any form of emotion, to have no Voice.

I am determined to work through these wrongs to make them right again.  To change the cycle and the ugly pattern of these atrocities. I often wonder how to get rid of these ugly raw scars, just as I was often left to wonder the age old question of 'why me' when I was young.  Perhaps it is time to accept that perhaps that is who I am and will be.  To find a way of reconciling the pain.  Of using the experience positively.   To once and for all, deal with it for my own sake. 

 

Being Grateful

I spell the G in grateful with a capital letter because I feel just sometimes people forget to feel grateful about the positives in their lives. I feel that being grateful is just so much part of humility and having a very positive outlook on life.

While this is starting to sound very corny, let me tell you what brought this on.  I know someone who is very ill.  She is normally a very strong, super-intelligent and extremely capable person who has only ever encouraged me to fulfill my dreams.  Recently over Christmas time, her health deteriorated rapidly and quite suddenly to the point whereby she needs help to move around and just get out of bed in the morning. I can honestly tell you that through the strength of love for her son and family and sheer determination she has got up out of bed, had that refreshing cup of tea and tried very hard to be as much as she can be.

I stand in awe.  The doctors had not given her much longer and told us that she has had her innings, but I feel as if I have witnessed a miracle and a huge blessing.  Can love be so powerful? Is this what it was all about in the first place? 

So while all this happened so far away from me  it has touched my life and all of our lives in every way.  I feel like shouting how special each day is because I have come to realise just how powerful love can be.

Everyone of us has the responsibility to bring what is inside us, our love and our passion, to the outside and show the world what it is we have to give. Perhaps that is what we are all here for. Whether it is people who have novels stuck in their bottom draw, a restaurant to get in order or just simply to remember to appreciate each day as it comes, life is short...go out there love, be beautiful and fearless.  And remember to be Grateful.

Sweet Nicholas

We live in a roomy apartment on the ground floor.  Living in the apartment above us is a fellow South African also from Cape Town called Tony.  Tony also teaches at the University and is very familiar with our kids and our family. Tony came down the other day to tell us about our little Nicholas and what he has been up to. 

Precocious Nicholas told Tony that he will take the rubbish for him to the bin every week. The outside bin is a short 1 minute walk away and he is perfectly safe and quite capable of doing the job. Nicholas had it all worked out in his mind too, after having given it some thought.

He told Tony that only he can take it because there are spiders at the bin and only he knew how to deal with these really huge spiders.

He said that Matthew cannot deal with the spiders so it’s best not to tell him.

Nicholas said he would do all this for a really special price of 200 bizas per time.

He told Tony he will do it every week twice a week and that Tony mustn’t forget Nicholas and do it himself.

In Tonys words…"as if I will ever forget him or his brilliant offer! "

Those pesky New Years resolutions....

 School has started again.  Thank goodness.  It feels to me sometimes that these kids of mine have more holidays than school days.  In the UK they went to school only a mere 157 days out of 365.  That is less than half.  In my experience there seems to be no middle-class in the UK because they are all spending their money on aftercare.  It is cheaper to stay at home. Indeed, the Government will pay them to have babies and stay at home, that is, if you have the right stamp in your passport. 



What is it about the 1st January?  People around me expect me to make New Years resolutions which they know I will absolutely not keep. New Year should be a time of celebration, a joyous occasion that only comes but once a year, instead I feel racked with guilt because I refuse to lie to myself about myself.  The expectation within my family that I will lose weight simply because the New Year has started.  Have they fallen off the end of the earth?  I haven't lost any weight for the last 10 years and its not going to come off anytime soon. Thanks for your concern, but no thanks.  Go find your own battle to fight and leave me in peace with mine.

New Years night  was passed in the blissful abandonment of sleep.  I tried hard to drink as many screwdrivers as I could, but only managed to fall asleep after my third drink.  I realized I am no fun, but as I gazed around me in my foggy, inebriated state I saw my husband fast asleep and all seemed well in the my world. The kids were snoring gently with the dog barking at the neighbors.

As it turns out, it was the calm before the storm....  

‎A Christmas to remember...

 Christmas was awesome.  Father Christmas really spoilt my kids this year and I think they totally deserved it.  It has been a really tough year for all of us, especially them.  They have moved countries and cultures and been happy, smiling children through all of it.  I am truly blessed with really great kids.    

On Christmas eve we went to a BBQ at our American friend, Richard's house. There was an assortment of teachers from various countries which made for some very interesting conversations and a lot of crazy mixed-up traditions. There was a big Christmas tree and some presents for all the kids underneath.  I was very pleased to see my friend Juliet, who has just come back from a visit to her family in the Philippines. Juliet brought me my only Christmas present which was a Filipino specialty made by Goldilocks called Polvoron.  It is a cross between the shortbread and sugee cookie. YUM.

Americans are loud, often gregarious and very often very funny people. I found myself laughing with them most of the night as they made fun of each other the whole night.  I prefer to turn a blind eye to their faults so that I can appreciate their good points. I had a moment though when Buddy the dog was called into service to clean up children's vomit of the floor, that made me wonder why I was there....     

We changed our minds as to where we going to spend Christmas on Christmas eve, and a good thing we did too.  We ended up in Wadi Ghul which is a wadi with an abandoned village, located to the northwest of Al Humra. The area is referred to as the "Omani grand canyon ".  A friend, my kids and I managed to climb most of the abandoned village,  Al Khitaym and looked over the very fertile wadi.  The view was amazing and the village was incredibly interesting.  We went into the wadi and had a picnic lunch of roast beef, homemade bread, salad and chicken.  The only dish that resembled anything mildly Christmassy was a very delicious trifle. I made carrot cake for tea as well. The company was even better than the food.  The kids got even more Christmas presents.  Matthew found some shrapnel left over from the war in the 1950's and Nicholas found his voice echoing in the wadi.

Having recently bought a new KIA Sorento we were eager to see how it performed under 4X4 conditions. It surpassed all our expectations.  I am quite eager to see how it performs on loose sand now. Perhaps we need to go camping on the beach soon.

It is still school holidays.  New Year was celebrated on 5 December according to the Islamic calendar and so the children start school on the 31 January. I am rather anxious about their first exam results which are going to arrive on 1 January.

Kim Jong II from North Korea is being buried today.  I wonder why people are so sad when he was such a ruthless dictator who cut them off from the rest of the world.  To me, the public display of sobbing and wailing is really odd.  Perhaps I am watching it from a euro-centric perspective. At least they are showing their emotions, unlike the English who show no emotion.

New Years eve is looming.  My husband is grumpy.  The kids are missing-in-action on their bicycles. I need to think about some new years resolutions that I can keep.  Haha fat chance!